


if you were church (i'd get on my knees)

by spacemanrhys



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Choking, Colin being fatphobic for food, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining Nandor, Protective Nandor, fatphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-24 09:21:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30070083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacemanrhys/pseuds/spacemanrhys
Summary: Nandor the Relentless had killed thousands, pillaged hundreds, but as it turned out he’d only ever loved one.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	if you were church (i'd get on my knees)

Nandor was a very confident man. He took pride in looking to no one for answers or encouragement of any kind. He liked to think he was self sustained.

How wrong he was.

It was only when Guillermo had already abandoned him for another master, that he realised how _needy_ he’d gotten. How much he relied on Guillermo. How much he… well, how much he admired Guillermo.

Nandor remembered what it was like to be human.  
Filled with brilliant blistering fear any time something out of the ordinary happened, on the off chance it’d be the thing to kill you. Persisting anyway.  
He’d seen Guillermo do it a thousand times, seen him adapt to situations that even in all of his vampiric wisdom Nandor couldn’t have foreseen. His familiar, he thought with bittersweet pride, had been so strong for him. So good.

Then he’d left because Nandor, dunce that he was, had lived for over 700 years and still hadn’t learned how to communicate his feelings. 

Nandor stomped his foot, shifting in his chair as the irritation towards himself seeped in.  
“They should call you Nandor the stupid. Fucking guy.” he hissed to himself. 

He’d been sitting here for hours now. This was the chair where Guillermo usually brushed his hair. The air still smelled vaguely of oils, of lavender and rose and all the other experimental concoctions Guillermo had brought to him. Guillermo had only been gone a few days but Nandor could already feel that his hair was matted at the back, right where he couldn’t reach.

He’d asked Nadja if she’d brush his hair for him and she’d swiftly whacked him with his own hairbrush. Her hair was matted too. He’d said nothing of it, simply slunk away with his tail between his legs. 

No, none of them were their usual selves without Guillermo. He found himself laughing bitterly at the idea that they were to be the conquerors of the New World. They couldn’t even feed themselves. 

Nandor the Relentless had killed thousands, pillaged hundreds, but as it turned out he’d only ever loved one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weeks passed, and Guillermo was still finding his stride in Celeste’s house. The work wasn’t as back-breaking as it had been with Nandor, and oddly he found himself missing it. He started working out every night before bed so that the muscle mass he’d gained didn’t go anywhere. 

All they did every day was change the floor plan, and then do these vampiric rituals that felt an awful lot like the improv classes Guillermo took back in college. It was an odd atmosphere, though he supposed younger vampires like Celeste would differ a lot from his old masters. 

She hadn’t even asked any of them to find a virgin for her yet.  
Where exactly was she getting that blood? Did newer vampires like being self sufficient? Guillermo made a mental note to do some research on the latest vampire trends once Celeste went to bed.

So yeah, he had turned into something of a workaholic when he lived with Nandor, Laszlo, Nadja, and Colin, and he was feeling a little restless having significantly less to do here. It had been a nice break for a few days, but now it sort of felt like a waste of time.

At least she’d turn him once the ‘vibe’ was right. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The vibe was wrong. It was so very wrong.

Guillermo was covered in blood, running down the street away from Celeste’s house- or, he supposed, her master’s house. He didn’t want to die. Not like this. Not before he could see-

Then he sensed someone beside him. He looked up, and there was Nandor. 

The worst night of his life very quickly turned into one of the best. Nandor offered him respect _and_ a flight back home on the same night.

As the two landed outside the Staten Island house, whilst Guillermo was still mourning the loss of his new pillow, the other vampires came out to greet them. 

Nadja rushed over and hugged Guillermo tight, cooing into his hair, things like _we missed you so much_ and _don’t ever do that again_ and _stupid bloody donkey, look at my hair_.

Guillermo smiled, though he could barely breathe with his face smushed into her chest. She pulled back when Laszlo approached. 

Laszlo clapped Guillermo on the shoulder with a little smile. “I say, old boy, it’s good to have you back. My boots need a right good polishing.”

“I-I’ll get right on that.” Guillermo said, for once not being entirely sarcastic towards him. Laszlo seemed appreciative enough.

Laszlo tipped his hat, then he and Nadja went back into the house.

Colin Robinson emerged and made his way towards the human. “Hey there, champ. Nice to see-” he paused, looking Guillermo up and down. His eyes started glowing. “Whoa, what was Celeste feeding you? You’re lookin’ kinda… chunky.”

Guillermo blinked. “Sorry, what?”

“I’m just saying, you’ve put on some weight. No biggie! Nothing a couple of grave digging sessions won’t fix.” 

That- That crossed a line. Guillermo had never once felt that his body was something that needed to be _fixed_. He knew Colin Robinson was just trying to sap his adrenaline, but this felt like a boundary being crossed.

As it turned out, he didn’t need to say anything. Nandor stepped in front of Guillermo.  
“ _How DARE you!_ Don’t you know who it is that you are talking to? That is Guillermo de la Cruz, the relentless one! You ought to avert your fucking eyes! You ought not to breathe the same air as him! In fact-” Nandor’s arm shoots out, grabbing Colin Robinson by his neck and lifting him off of the ground as if he weighs nothing, “Why don’t I _fix_ that for you?”

Wow. That was… Guillermo felt his face heat up. He’d always liked it when Nandor showed any kind of protectiveness or possessiveness over him, but he’d never done anything quite like this. This sent a very clear message; _If you harm my familiar you die._

Colin struggled, and it was only then that Guillermo remembered the energy vampire was as mortal as he was. He could actually die from this.

Guillermo rushed forward, tapping Nandor on the shoulder. “Na- Master, let him down! Please! It’s okay, it’s fine, I’m fine!” 

Nandor turned to look at him, his eyes dark and bloodshot in a way that Guillermo only usually saw when he fed after staying hungry a long time. Then he blinked, and his eyes were back to normal. Guillermo smiled at him. “I’m fine, Master. Really.”  
Nandor nodded sluggishly, and reluctantly dropped Colin Robinson. 

Colin fell to the ground in a heap, coughing and wheezing. For once he didn’t have the last word. 

Nandor stepped daintily over Colin and started heading towards the door. Guillermo hesitated.  
His master paused and snapped his fingers. “Guillermo, leave him be! He is a big boy, he can get himself up.”  
The vampire turned around, “Besides, the sun will rise soon, and there is still so much to do! You will need to brush my hair twice as long as usual, and then I’m sure Nadja will require the same. Then there’s Laszlo’s boots, and my favourite cape, and-” Nandor continued, rattling on an ever-growing list of tasks for Guillermo to complete. 

Guillermo walked back into the house by his master’s side and paid no mind to his ramblings. Nandor had a habit of repeating his orders at least a dozen times, so Guillermo could just enjoy this moment. 

He was with a beautiful and strange group of people that he had started to consider a family of sorts. He smiled to himself, even as they got to Nandor’s bedroom and Nandor tossed a small bottle of coconut oil right at his face.

Guillermo de la Cruz was home.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Church by Fall Out Boy,
> 
> I simply think that Nandor would lay down Colin's life to protect Guillermo. And should! *bodyslams colin* anyway i love guillermo being a fat dude and i think nandor also loves it uwu
> 
> catch me on Twitter at @spacemanrhys!


End file.
